New to Kink? Start Here!

The word kink generally refers to any unconventional sexual practices, concepts, or fantasies, including but not limited to fetishism, dominance and submission, bondage, and fantasy role-play. If you’re intrigued by the world of kink, and you want to explore your kinky side, this is the post for you.

If you google “kink,” “kinky porn,” “kink play,” or any variation therein, you realize quickly that you’ve made a big mistake.  The internet offers an overwhelming array of videos, blogs, and books advertising every possible kink in existence.

So, where do you even begin? Do you buy the leather boots and the riding crop? Order the instructional bondage video? Reserve a ticket to the next kinky masquerade? How do you explore this side of yourself, without wasting precious hours and money?

The problem isn’t lack of kink knowledge.  It’s lack of self-knowledge.

STEP 1: SLOW DOWN. If we’re desperate to appear kinky, we might get caught up in what we imagine we’re supposed to like.   Instead, we should let our actual desires and curiosities guide our first inquiries or purchases.

So, what if you don’t know what you like? Don’t sweat it.

STEP 2: COMPLETE A YES/NO/MAYBE LIST. A yes/no/maybe list presents a number of practices, concepts, and activities in a convenient format.  You go down the list indicating which ideas you (1) definitely want, (2) definitely do not want, or (3) maybe would try under the right circumstances.  If you currently have a sexual partner who wants to explore kink with you, you can each complete a yes/no/maybe list and then share your results.  I guarantee you will have at least a couple of surprises!

Before anyone embarks on a kink journey, it’s important to be on the same page with your partner about things like safer sex practices.  Therefore, I HIGHLY recommend starting with this in-depth yes/no/maybe list from Scarleteen.

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I love this list because it addresses body boundaries, relationship models, sexual safety, and both physical AND non-physical sexual activities.  Use this list to build trust and deepen your understanding within your sexual relationship before moving on to more intense kink practices like the ones on my second recommend list.

The second yes/no/maybe list I recommend is this one off of the website of the incredible sex educator Charlie Glickman.

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I love this list because you can tailor it to your current interests.  It’s not just a yes/no/maybe chart; it includes space for “notes and nuances” for you to qualify your response.  As you read through it, listen to your body and notice your own arousal.    Use this list to spark curiosity and conversation between you and your partner, but remember: this is NOT a contract.  Just because you and your partner have marked “Yes” on the same kink does not mean either of you are obligated to try it.  These interests are allowed to shift over time.

As you go forth, I invite you to find other yes/no/maybe lists, and to even re-do the same ones every few months.  You will continue to find inspiration in your own responses.  Use these lists to guide you toward the toys, workshops, and instructional videos that will excite your unique kinky self!